I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
