i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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