Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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