Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
