sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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