Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
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