the condom got lost in my hair
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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