my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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