I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
