he was CRYING into my vagina
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
