I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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