I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
