1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Randomize
