I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
