You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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