I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
