I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
