you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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