I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
