Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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