I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
