Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
