I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
