last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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