if i can run in heels then i can drive
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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