Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
