the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
