Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
