Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
