I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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