it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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