Your face is a jimmy john
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You have to summon your inner elephant
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
