Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
