so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
