I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
