dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
