and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
