This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
