I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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