Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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