i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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