if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
