my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
