Welp...herpes.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
