Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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