i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
