She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
