I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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