life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
