nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
