Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
