I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
We left the knife in your bed.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
