the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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