Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
