I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
We need to rekindle our bromance
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
