and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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